You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Those are good neighbors.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
All is fair in drunk and war.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.