@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

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@ThisLocalHater

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

@Book_Krazy

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

@ninjadinosaur1

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

@serialmatrix

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@Kyle_Lippert

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

@Qwertyings

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

@LetMeStart

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.