Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?