Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose