Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me working on my assignments ^-^

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot