Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
How animals would run if they were human
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.