Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
japanese corn
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.