I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
$4 #usedbooks
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.