“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.