“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
You Might Also Like
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.