My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me