I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*