I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
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turn that frown upside down
):
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.