instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.