My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
john wicks are toilet candles
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*