I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”