Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark