how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You Might Also Like
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery