Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”