Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please