[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
You Might Also Like
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Bobby pin
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now