I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
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God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.