The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Not messing around
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: