mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people