wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH