We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I have obtained a hat
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H