*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
New mindset, who dis?