*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
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Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”