Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit