Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.