The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”