From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
he’s doing your taxes
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Y’all ready for this
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?