ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean