found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.