DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
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Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
a lot to unpack here
i wish i could marry a nap
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.