You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.