Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.