Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I did not eat the cake…
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.