doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans