“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
#Caturday
did it work
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
For the baby who has everything
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.