Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.