love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
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This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.