I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Challenge accepted.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.