My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Sounds like a bargain
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.