I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…