When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is