There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Um … Hot Wings please
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
How it started: How it’s going:
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Coffee for people with no kids
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.