How it started: How it’s going:
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.