oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.