Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks