Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Risking my life for fun.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
me opening up to someone
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples