Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
How funny!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.