I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal