If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection