Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
u spoke cat all this time??????
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.