The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.


Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot


If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?


I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.


I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!


i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before


Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?


Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.