@BarryVonAwesome

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

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@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@Andee_Stewart

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

@farouq_yahaya

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

@ch000ch

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

@noog

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

@Marcmywords2

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.